Changing for the better

Apparently, this guy is abusive. Controlling, manipulative, you get the drift... A healthy person wouldn't do the things he's done. Act the way he's acted. Try to keep me invested as he pulls away...I have to replace him with someone good. Someone who has good intentions. Imagine how great that would be for my self-esteem! I just read that abusive relationships can make you overly-critical of yourself, even suicidal (at the extreme). I also read that the abuser usually has these behaviors ingrained. I think this guy know he has these issues and has tried not to unleash them on me, as he's said "I get violent" and "Do I make you like this?" (when I get stressed around him and start sighing)


For so long I've been clinging to this blind hope that one day we'll just live happily ever after, but I just read Nicole Brown Simpson's letter to O.J and she sounded as optimistic as I feel right now. Once again, I'm hurt that I let something like this into my life, but...I'm going to start trying to change my circumstances. Baby steps...


One of the articles said that the woman wouldn't want to listen to any criticism of the relationship, for fear that it could destroy something they've invested so much of themselves in; especially when they couldn't afford to start over (that would be due to the looow self-esteem resulting from the relationship.)


I think about what my ex-boyfriend, Carlton said about guys saying they like "Big girls". He said they like them because they have a lower self-esteem. I did wonder why my guy would say that I needed to gain weight, but then criticize girls skinnier than me showing their midriffs at the club.

I also should have never listened to my mother's sermons on submission. She was on this new Christian kick and thought it was the way to get your husband to change. It's too bad it didn't work for her either.

Besides...her and my Grandmother are the queens of manipulation. Although, my grandmother is sweet about it. With them, there is no escape.

So, I asked one of my male compadres about it, who is a devout christian, and he said "You're not submitting for a reason" Something in you knows it's not right... I hated him for saying it and didn't speak to him for months (at least I didn't respond to his daily scriptures like I normally would), but isn't that what the abused do?

So how do I explain that pure feeling of "we are meant to be" during the first kiss? I guess it was horomones. It was manipulation...it was...I still don't know...

More faith

I'm stuck. I don't trust. I don't have faith. Where did it go? Did my parents kill it? Did my lovers? Did I? How can I get it back? Me and God have to get back on good terms again. I feel like we haven't spoken in so long. I want God to be my best friend again. I want to hear God's voice. I need a stronger spiritual foundation, but also a stronger earthly foundation. I have so much I want to accomplish, so much I want, but I sometimes I feel like I have to fight for it when really, all I have to do is step aside. At least now I can say that I have no faith, because I'm recognizing the problem. I can build on that, right?



They say all you need is faith the size of a mustard seed... Let's put it to the test. Doesn't God say that everyone is given a certain measure of faith.

Procrastination

I have a crap-load of stuff to do, but I just can't buckle down and concentrate. I am sooo tired and so drained. Nevertheless, my paper won't get done unless I do it.