So basically, I asked God for strength, for a stronger sense of wholeness--for a greater sense of self, and I guess that's what I feel lost about. It's hard dealing with all these new situations (new job, new school, new clubs) and trying to manage my image, growth path, and social circle all at once. I'm trying to be really discriminating about who I allow near me. I know I can be like a sponge, absorbing whatever other people put out.
All the while, the person I most want near me, the one I most want to talk to... hasn't reached out to me in days...
(Fast Forward to a half hour later)
Okay, so he reaches out to me with what? A forward. I am sooo sick and tired of his power games. He is clearly too immature to deal with me. I think it's for the best that I shut him out for a while. I would say--'until he comes to his senses', but think that he has had more than enough time to do that and to realize he has something special and he hasn't. I'm so saddened by this that I want to cry. Maybe I should. I've been in denial long enough. Why is it that he only wants me when he can't have me and vice versa? I was just about to commit too. God, what did I do to deserve this much confusion? How many times will I continue to let him let me down? God, I tried to have faith in him but I guess it didn't work. I wish I had an explanation. What distracted him? What made him so arrogant to think that I don't deserve a response/ or so afraid? Why in the world would he send me a forward about some rapper? He knows I could care less about that stuff. This is just a slap in the face. I'm really embarassed, because I put my heart out there and he knew it. That was just cruel of him. If I can't trust him, who can I trust with my feelings? Who can I depend on? He's such a child and I'm a woman. At least I can get a clean start, even if I don't know where, exactly, it is that I'm headed.
He's never going to be the concerned, caring and consistent citizen that I expect him to be. I'm tired of trying to make him grow up. Trying to help him improve, with no benefit to me. God, who will love me, when I poured everything I had into him with no return? Why can I never be good enough? Why do I even care to be? He isn't. No man is? I'm so tired of being disappointed. Relationship after relationship, it's the same thing. I can only depend on myself and You... but I want to be able to eventually depend on a real man.
Seriously, I've never felt so hurt and rejected in my whole life. This whole past 3 days has been like a flashback to junior high school. I've been ignored, deceived, snubbed, and overlooked--whether people meant to do these things to me or not. I haven't been able to find the right words to express myself. I'm broke as hell. I feel like I don't even feel like my being on this planet is justified. Doesn't anyone REALLY care about me? How did I get to this empty, cold place? No family (around me), no friends (to just hang with), no love (to call my own)...just a beautiful cat.
(fast forward to an hour later)
I've calmed down a little. I think it may be that time of the month. I feel moodier and grumpier than usual, so I re-read some old posts to see if I'm just flipping out. I think I am. It's amazing to see the difference in my tone from posting to posting. I never knew my outlook could change so drastically, just based on my horomones. It's kind of scary. To know that I can destroy whole compartments of my life in one foul swoop if I'm appropriately ticked off.
It's funny, I had a dream the other night that I was in church with my best friend. She asked the pastor what it took to make a relationship successful and I scoffed at her submissiveness although I did find myself eavesdropping in order to hear the answer. He looked as if he was on his way to tend to important business, but he took the time to tell her, very matter of factly: (what I remember)
- Strength
- Relationship Rules
- Control over finances
- and something about horomones
Maybe this is God's way of getting my attention. I still love this guy. Maybe he needs more time. Anyway, I'm going to take the high road once again. After all, I am starting to find that I'm much more comfortable on it than the low road. We'll see if God answers my prayers. He knows what's in my heart and what I need. What I long for...
