Changing for the better

Apparently, this guy is abusive. Controlling, manipulative, you get the drift... A healthy person wouldn't do the things he's done. Act the way he's acted. Try to keep me invested as he pulls away...I have to replace him with someone good. Someone who has good intentions. Imagine how great that would be for my self-esteem! I just read that abusive relationships can make you overly-critical of yourself, even suicidal (at the extreme). I also read that the abuser usually has these behaviors ingrained. I think this guy know he has these issues and has tried not to unleash them on me, as he's said "I get violent" and "Do I make you like this?" (when I get stressed around him and start sighing)


For so long I've been clinging to this blind hope that one day we'll just live happily ever after, but I just read Nicole Brown Simpson's letter to O.J and she sounded as optimistic as I feel right now. Once again, I'm hurt that I let something like this into my life, but...I'm going to start trying to change my circumstances. Baby steps...


One of the articles said that the woman wouldn't want to listen to any criticism of the relationship, for fear that it could destroy something they've invested so much of themselves in; especially when they couldn't afford to start over (that would be due to the looow self-esteem resulting from the relationship.)


I think about what my ex-boyfriend, Carlton said about guys saying they like "Big girls". He said they like them because they have a lower self-esteem. I did wonder why my guy would say that I needed to gain weight, but then criticize girls skinnier than me showing their midriffs at the club.

I also should have never listened to my mother's sermons on submission. She was on this new Christian kick and thought it was the way to get your husband to change. It's too bad it didn't work for her either.

Besides...her and my Grandmother are the queens of manipulation. Although, my grandmother is sweet about it. With them, there is no escape.

So, I asked one of my male compadres about it, who is a devout christian, and he said "You're not submitting for a reason" Something in you knows it's not right... I hated him for saying it and didn't speak to him for months (at least I didn't respond to his daily scriptures like I normally would), but isn't that what the abused do?

So how do I explain that pure feeling of "we are meant to be" during the first kiss? I guess it was horomones. It was manipulation...it was...I still don't know...

More faith

I'm stuck. I don't trust. I don't have faith. Where did it go? Did my parents kill it? Did my lovers? Did I? How can I get it back? Me and God have to get back on good terms again. I feel like we haven't spoken in so long. I want God to be my best friend again. I want to hear God's voice. I need a stronger spiritual foundation, but also a stronger earthly foundation. I have so much I want to accomplish, so much I want, but I sometimes I feel like I have to fight for it when really, all I have to do is step aside. At least now I can say that I have no faith, because I'm recognizing the problem. I can build on that, right?



They say all you need is faith the size of a mustard seed... Let's put it to the test. Doesn't God say that everyone is given a certain measure of faith.

Procrastination

I have a crap-load of stuff to do, but I just can't buckle down and concentrate. I am sooo tired and so drained. Nevertheless, my paper won't get done unless I do it.

Acknowledging my feelings

I like making money, but I don't like my work situation. I like school, but I don't really want to go to school full time though. I appreciate my boss's passion for the program, but I don't appreciate her lack of direction. Sometimes I feel unsafe, as if I'm drowning. Like I put myself between a rock and a hard place, but it's probably all in my head.

I will try to be more positive, and have faith in God. It's the only way...

If you knew everything, you would be God...

Yesterday, my pastor at church talked about the fact that sometimes in life, we don't always know what's going on. We don't always get a continuous feed of information from up above informing us on the most minute details of what's happening around us and to us. I took this message to heart because I have been feeling particularly lost lately. I've felt lonely, isolated and discouraged. I know that some of this is my fault. I also know that some of this is God testing me and that part of it is also Him trying to strengthen me. I asked to be strengthened and this is the only way how. I've been trying to get rid of a few demons and facing them head on is the only way to be real about this and initiate lasting change--not just to pretend everything is okay. I'd rather deal with this sadness now, knowing that I'll feel better later, then to coast and then crash. I stopped myself early on enough to where the pain isn't too too bad.



So basically, I asked God for strength, for a stronger sense of wholeness--for a greater sense of self, and I guess that's what I feel lost about. It's hard dealing with all these new situations (new job, new school, new clubs) and trying to manage my image, growth path, and social circle all at once. I'm trying to be really discriminating about who I allow near me. I know I can be like a sponge, absorbing whatever other people put out.



All the while, the person I most want near me, the one I most want to talk to... hasn't reached out to me in days...

(Fast Forward to a half hour later)

Okay, so he reaches out to me with what? A forward. I am sooo sick and tired of his power games. He is clearly too immature to deal with me. I think it's for the best that I shut him out for a while. I would say--'until he comes to his senses', but think that he has had more than enough time to do that and to realize he has something special and he hasn't. I'm so saddened by this that I want to cry. Maybe I should. I've been in denial long enough. Why is it that he only wants me when he can't have me and vice versa? I was just about to commit too. God, what did I do to deserve this much confusion? How many times will I continue to let him let me down? God, I tried to have faith in him but I guess it didn't work. I wish I had an explanation. What distracted him? What made him so arrogant to think that I don't deserve a response/ or so afraid? Why in the world would he send me a forward about some rapper? He knows I could care less about that stuff. This is just a slap in the face. I'm really embarassed, because I put my heart out there and he knew it. That was just cruel of him. If I can't trust him, who can I trust with my feelings? Who can I depend on? He's such a child and I'm a woman. At least I can get a clean start, even if I don't know where, exactly, it is that I'm headed.

He's never going to be the concerned, caring and consistent citizen that I expect him to be. I'm tired of trying to make him grow up. Trying to help him improve, with no benefit to me. God, who will love me, when I poured everything I had into him with no return? Why can I never be good enough? Why do I even care to be? He isn't. No man is? I'm so tired of being disappointed. Relationship after relationship, it's the same thing. I can only depend on myself and You... but I want to be able to eventually depend on a real man.

Seriously, I've never felt so hurt and rejected in my whole life. This whole past 3 days has been like a flashback to junior high school. I've been ignored, deceived, snubbed, and overlooked--whether people meant to do these things to me or not. I haven't been able to find the right words to express myself. I'm broke as hell. I feel like I don't even feel like my being on this planet is justified. Doesn't anyone REALLY care about me? How did I get to this empty, cold place? No family (around me), no friends (to just hang with), no love (to call my own)...just a beautiful cat.

(fast forward to an hour later)

I've calmed down a little. I think it may be that time of the month. I feel moodier and grumpier than usual, so I re-read some old posts to see if I'm just flipping out. I think I am. It's amazing to see the difference in my tone from posting to posting. I never knew my outlook could change so drastically, just based on my horomones. It's kind of scary. To know that I can destroy whole compartments of my life in one foul swoop if I'm appropriately ticked off.

It's funny, I had a dream the other night that I was in church with my best friend. She asked the pastor what it took to make a relationship successful and I scoffed at her submissiveness although I did find myself eavesdropping in order to hear the answer. He looked as if he was on his way to tend to important business, but he took the time to tell her, very matter of factly: (what I remember)

• Strength
• Relationship Rules
• Control over finances
• and something about horomones

Maybe this is God's way of getting my attention. I still love this guy. Maybe he needs more time. Anyway, I'm going to take the high road once again. After all, I am starting to find that I'm much more comfortable on it than the low road. We'll see if God answers my prayers. He knows what's in my heart and what I need. What I long for...

I'm soooo in love

This man... I love him more than fish love water. more than sunflowers love the sun... more than Hillary loves Bill. We need that kind of love on this planet. What else would allow us to go on?

Who else notices when I sigh, when I vacillate unneccesarily? Who else would call me at 6:45 in the morning, to warn me about a tornado? I want to do so many naughty things to this beautiful, exquisite man who adores me. I couldn't ask for a better kind of love. I want to have his children. I want to consume all of him. I want nothing more than for him to consume all of me. Why else are we here, if not for this extraordinary kind of soul-shattering love. This is the kind of love that will follow me through every galaxy. How did it even happen when we started out as friends?

God has bound us together for eternity. I will ALWAYS be his woman.

Not sure if I should wait for him any longer...

I know it's early and I said I'd wait until September, but I'm getting impatient. I guess that's not really love is it? I want to mature, but it's hard to break out of this pattern, of thinking this way---of mistaking my wants for needs. God has blessed me with so many friends and cool things to keep me busy. It's probably so that I'll be too distracted to yell at him, or ruin our relationship, which is usually what happens when I feel let down. I act like a child and that's not acceptable anymore. I am, hereby, setting him free. To find his own course in life. To find love. Wherever God takes him. I love him and I want him to be happy. This is just a rough time...but I'll get through it!

Not there yet!

So, I feel like I'm on some sort of plateau, but I can see the mountaintop several hundred feet above me. Part of it is hidden behind the misty clouds and I don't know what lies atop. I'm sipping on my water bottle and I'm drained. My head is pounding. My muscles straining. I'm hallucinating, remembering that time I fell before. I know that this time is different. I have more experience, yet, I don't believe in myself. Suddenly, an angel appears and tells me that I'm getting in my own way--that all I have to do is shift my mind-set. If I could do that, the way would be clear. My steps would be firm. I would smile because of the happiness that awaited me. I would be grateful for how far I've already come...

Recently, I was asked to be the secretary of my alumni association. I've also been doing a good job on my temp assignments, despite the awkwardness of it all. I've even lost a few lbs. I am afraid that I am creating a false sense of security for myself. I need and want to get a real permanent job that won't derail the peace that I have achieved. I'm waiting to hear a word from above, but I can be more on earth to make this happen. I just need more time... (sigh) If only rent wasn't due...

Back 2 Skewl!

LOL! Yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaayyyy!!!! I got into grad school. I'm so excited to be beginning a new chapter in my life with an expanded vision. I'm looking forward to flexibility, academic stimulation, new friends, fun field assignments. Papers out the wazoo! It's all good. It's all God. I feel like after two really difficult years, the Lord is finally giving me permission to breathe again--to shine like I know I can. Now I have a lot to put into perspective. My life is going to be completely different. I am ready though. I'm curious. I'm mature this time around. I'll be able to get a lot more out of school. Maybe I'll even get my PhD one day. Baby steps, right? I'm stunned. I'm speechless. I still haven't processed everything fully. I feel like a great guy has just asked me to marry him. I promise to make the best of whatever comes. I am so proud and so grateful. I thank God for noticing me, for giving me what I need in my life---an outlet to do something just for me. A space to learn and inquire and grow--the way I want to. This has been missing in my life ever since I came to New York. I'm on my way to becoming more whole, but on the way there, I thank God for answering my prayers.

For real, for real...it's time to get a job

So, it's time for me to stop playing around. I'm ready for a job. Tomorrow marks the end of my break from applying and I need to throw myself back into the madness. I want to move out of this neighborhood and I'm going to need to have a job on my rental application. Not to mention a deposit. Unemployment is nice, but in reality, it's not really helping me make ends meet. What's a girl to do? I've been praying my little butt off, hoping God will show me some mercy soon. Trying my best to believe that, even through the silence, God is working on my situation. I remind myself that God loves me and that He wouldn't bring me out this far to leave me stranded. I remind myself of the work I have to do on this earth and how He is making a way for it to be received, all the while preparing me to do it as He intends. Sometimes, I must confess, I do wonder if it's too late...if the time for me to shine has come and gone. Other, more optimistic times, I think that this could be the beginning of something great.

In limbo

I really do not like not being in control. I'm waiting for my grad school recommendations to come in and I still haven't heard from this one girl who said she'd do it. What the frick? I assume that if you'd want to write a letter on someone's behalf, you'd also take their calls and not send them straight to voicemail. I only called once and emailed once to follow up. I don't get it at all. She's waiting until the last minute even though I told her I wanted to get my application in early. Strange. At this point, I'm feeling like maybe I should ask someone else. Except, her name is still on my application as one of my recommenders. I'm afraid to call her again, for fear that something is going on that I don't want to know about. I'm not really sure why I trusted her in the first place. She is part of the reason I got fired. I thought it was by accident, now I'm beginning to wonder. That job turns everyone into the devil. Ugh! Now what?

Happiness is lonely

You know what I just realized? It's lonely being happy. No one ever wants to be around you when you're happy, but everyone wants to be around you when you're sad. I haven't even been obnoxiously happy lately, but it is driving away a few sourpuss people. I just need to be prepared for it so I can handle it when it happens. I'm tired of being in the trenches---in the valley---I want to get up there to the top of the mountain and if I need to do it alone, then so be it. I just hate being alone. There, I said it. I guess, if God's with me, I'm never really alone. I'm learning so much right now. I'm seeing what my blind spots are--my weaknesses. I need to learn to be careful who I trust. Well, at least I've exed out one of my old flaky work friends who was as miserable as they come. "Your self -esteem is always under attack because they know if you have a strong self-esteem you will move confidently." My pastor said this. (They are threatened.) I depreciate myself so that I'm no longer a threat and then give them control, but what sense does that make? I'm doing it so that they won't attack me. Why would I want to surround myself with people who might attack me if they feel threatened? That's just DUMB!

Cleaning out the friendship closet

So, I have this friend who is a b***h. She's manipulative and controlling and always wants me to be down with her at whatever level she's operating on. I have been separating myself from her but I always feel guilty for either leaving her stranded or feeding into her negativity. Every piece of advice she gives me results in me hurting myself or dwelling in the negative. We've been friends since high school so I guess it's natural to grow apart. I just don't understand why anyone would try to hold down another person. So, I guess that leaves me in denial about it. I think this may all have to do with my self-esteem. This is a bad habit that I need to break. Why do I keep telling myself that I don't deserve better? If God already forgave me, what do I care what she has to say? She's not bigger than God.

Praying for a man...

Okay, so now that I've released this emotional baggage, I feel that I'm at the start of an entirely new journey. I don't know how to love, but I know I need to learn. I'm ready to humble myself in that regard. I need to learn how to maintain a relationship. I know they're hard work. I've never cared to keep one going past 3 months, but now I see it as kind of essential---in my life at least. I haven't been ready until now. I'm not saying I want to get married to anyone; I want a good relationship. A good friendship. A good sex life. Love would be nice too, but I think I need to get the mechanics down first. I don't even know how to use pet names or soften when a guy calls. It's just all combat for me. I haven't wanted to let anyone in. I think my subconscious may have been aware that I was picking the wrong guys for commitment anyway. Ugh. I need help--Divine help. Relationships are a responsibility, an asset that must be protected, and if we're lucky, they can grow in interest.

Moving Along

So I'm still making progress and yesterday was monumental in creating a new life for myself. I turned in my application for grad school-early! At first, I had crazy writer's block, but I decided that I was going to overcome the procrastination with positive thoughts and prayer, and just go for it. I'm tired of letting life pass me by. I'm worth more. Today, I completed my FAFSA, and it wasn't bad at all. Why did my mother dread this so much when I was in undergrad? I realize that I need to sit my kids down and teach them to do things like this with a healthy attitude, instead of avoiding them. Thinking about it is worse than actually doing it. So anyway, I have to pray that the rest of my documentation comes in and that I get accepted. I miss school so much.

One Night Stand

Two days ago I had sex on the beach. Literally. That's right--under the beauty of the black sky and the hazy moon with the light of the planes and stars reflecting on the cool rushing water, I let him come inside of me. It was an accident. It had been so long, and he was kissing me in all the right places. I feel like a woman again.

I met him about a month ago, coming back from Philadelphia on the Amtrak train. He tried to approach me and I ignored him at first, but he ended up standing in front of me in line for the train. I apologized and we ended up sitting together. He gave me the most intense hand massage and stared into my eyes. He told me how attracted to me he was and let my hand fall on his hardening private area. I acted like I didn't feel anything and jerked my hand away in embarassment. He walked me to the subway station and hugged me so tight he lifted me off the ground and asked me for a kiss on the cheek. (Yeah right) Yes, there was a certain sexual chemistry there that I wanted to investigate a little further, but he never called, so I scrapped the idea.

It's too bad he later found my number in the pocket of his pants! Like I said, it had been a while and I wasn't feeling very prudish to say the least. Plus, I had just had a fight with my ex-boyfriend and was feeling a little turned off by the idea of sex with emotional involvement. This would be just the ticket. Semi-intimacy.

This experience was different. I made him slow down and appreciate my body, none of that furious pounding allowed. It was sooo "sweet" as he would call it. We did it about seven times. It felt so good to just focus on my body and not my mind while someone passionately kissed and bit the nape of my neck and squeezed me so tight it left bruises. Not kidding! (That reminds me, I need to go get ice for my hickeys.) I later showed him and he was like "I did that?!" I think he knew, but who cares? Then the spooning! Oh my goodness, he is so cuddly it's unbelievable. I think it's because of his weight. He's self-conscious about it, but I love it. He's a man and he loves to eat. I don't mind that at all.

My head is clear now. I'm not sure if I want to see him again...I don't want to ruin a good thing. But I know I want sex to be a part of my life again--in balance. I feel transformed--not nearly as uptight as I have been the past seven months. This can be good in moderation, and it's okay because I don't have feelings for this guy, but I've got to be careful.

The Devil is an A**

I hate him. Everytime I get close to having some happiness and fun, he has to come and pull the rug out from underneath me. I don't even get as close to the fun as I used to either. This guy, who I knew was a flake to begin with, just stood me up. Why did he arrange the date in the first place? It was last minute and I was a fool to accept. To make things worse, I started a fight with my ex-boyfriend over it (who I was trying to reconcile with-guess that's not going to happen now). I scared him and I think I hurt him a little. He told me he still loves me, but I don't even know if I believe that. I don't know what I believe about relationships anymore, about life... I'm still making the wrong choices though, and getting nowhere. I know I should just be patient, and the right gu will come when I'm ready. I'm clearly not ready at the moment. In fact, I'm feeling a little crazy.

Question of the Day- Why are bad things sooo good?

Why is everything that is so bad for you, so darn tempting? And usually so good (in the moment)? What am I referring to? Well, let's see...there's junk food, unprotected (pre-marital) sex, affairs, negative music, driving fast, caffeine, drama filled relationships, staying up late, taking risks (not the good kind), alcohol....I've never tried drugs, but from what I hear, they're quite addictive. Why does it feel that the darker side of universe is constantly trying to kill us? It would literally take every fiber of our being to stay on the straight and narrow and only do things that are good for us, but isn't it worth a shot? Don't we owe it to ourselves? Why doesn't being healthy and safe intrigue more of us to a more sane lifestyle? How much of this has to do with pop culture? If there were no commercials, no music videos, no magazines, no peer motivation, would we inherently want these things, or is our need for these things tied to our need for something else? Acceptance, maybe. Love. Stability. Hmm...we'd probably have those things if we first accepted ourselves and waited for everything to fall into place. Or is there really something to be said for the adrenaline/dopamine rush. Isn't that something a good run in the park or roller coaster ride could cure until you return safely home to your family. Just some food for thought...

Good Decision Making

It is a beautiful day today---and it was hard as hell for me to get up this morning. Then, I ate too much cereal and began to feel a little sick (too much sugar). Anyhoo, it's 12:47 pm and I have the capacity to make this a productive day or to waste it away. I think I'll get off my a**. Thanks for listening. Sorry for the grumpiness.

Beautiful Day

I don't have much to say today, except that I am blessed. I have some great people who are going to write letters of reference for me at the last minute so that I can get into this grad program. I've decided to appy for a part-time social work program. I think it will be good for me. It's something that comes natural to me and that I love, but it's not too much at once. This gives me something to look forward to for the next four years- even if work sucks. Nothing makes me feel better, than when I'm living and fulfilling my purpose. I'm going to rest tonight. I have a very busy day tomorrow, running around doing tedious things like making copies and mailing things off.



On another note, I handled my anger with my mother very well today on a topic that usually causes us to blow up at each other. I was careful not to "injure or harm" as Susan Taylor would say, and the conversation went much better. I am loving this whole "taking responsibility for my actions" approach to life. I have more control over the outcomes in my life than I thought.

The Friend

So, I've decided to go on a semi-TV strike. I've realized I'm much happier and more productive when I'm not watching it. What have I been doing instead? Sleeping! Okay, so sleeping's not the most productive thing I could be doing, but I've been sleeping a lot better. When I wake up, I feel like a million bucks. Last night, one of my close male friends (we'll call him "Michael"-for the purposes of this blog) opened up to me a little and I think he might be feeling something for me; it's weird because I kind of feel something too, but I don't think it'd work. I've known Michael for a few years and we've never really clicked. He's very reserved when it comes to expressing his emotions and/or interest, but he always seems to be around. He's also not very spontaneous or silly-two things I love in a guy, because I think that makes the relationship more fun. He is, on the other hand, very supportive, stable and a good listener. I still get the feeling he's holding back until I give him the cue that it's okay to open up, but right now, it's too confusing to deal with. Maybe we can just act like that moment last night didn't happen and just move on.

In the Valley

I am in the valley---going through a storm---waiting for the sun to come up---whatever you want to call it, I'm going through hard times. Let me give you a brief run-down. I just realized that I've been living my entire life for others---to be considerate, to be as little of a burden as possible. I chose the wrong major (business) for myself, I got a job I hated and ended up being asked to leave. My romantic life is non-existent and I don't really have much money to go out and meet new people, let alone the necessary confidence. I'm in the midst of a wake up call and I just feel completely disoriented. I just don't know what lies ahead of me and I'm scared. Somehow though, I am being reminded that this is all temporary and that everyone hits a low point at some time or another. I just wish I had some direction. Prayer helps me feel calmer, but I still don't know what to do.