For real, for real...it's time to get a job

So, it's time for me to stop playing around. I'm ready for a job. Tomorrow marks the end of my break from applying and I need to throw myself back into the madness. I want to move out of this neighborhood and I'm going to need to have a job on my rental application. Not to mention a deposit. Unemployment is nice, but in reality, it's not really helping me make ends meet. What's a girl to do? I've been praying my little butt off, hoping God will show me some mercy soon. Trying my best to believe that, even through the silence, God is working on my situation. I remind myself that God loves me and that He wouldn't bring me out this far to leave me stranded. I remind myself of the work I have to do on this earth and how He is making a way for it to be received, all the while preparing me to do it as He intends. Sometimes, I must confess, I do wonder if it's too late...if the time for me to shine has come and gone. Other, more optimistic times, I think that this could be the beginning of something great.

In limbo

I really do not like not being in control. I'm waiting for my grad school recommendations to come in and I still haven't heard from this one girl who said she'd do it. What the frick? I assume that if you'd want to write a letter on someone's behalf, you'd also take their calls and not send them straight to voicemail. I only called once and emailed once to follow up. I don't get it at all. She's waiting until the last minute even though I told her I wanted to get my application in early. Strange. At this point, I'm feeling like maybe I should ask someone else. Except, her name is still on my application as one of my recommenders. I'm afraid to call her again, for fear that something is going on that I don't want to know about. I'm not really sure why I trusted her in the first place. She is part of the reason I got fired. I thought it was by accident, now I'm beginning to wonder. That job turns everyone into the devil. Ugh! Now what?

Happiness is lonely

You know what I just realized? It's lonely being happy. No one ever wants to be around you when you're happy, but everyone wants to be around you when you're sad. I haven't even been obnoxiously happy lately, but it is driving away a few sourpuss people. I just need to be prepared for it so I can handle it when it happens. I'm tired of being in the trenches---in the valley---I want to get up there to the top of the mountain and if I need to do it alone, then so be it. I just hate being alone. There, I said it. I guess, if God's with me, I'm never really alone. I'm learning so much right now. I'm seeing what my blind spots are--my weaknesses. I need to learn to be careful who I trust. Well, at least I've exed out one of my old flaky work friends who was as miserable as they come. "Your self -esteem is always under attack because they know if you have a strong self-esteem you will move confidently." My pastor said this. (They are threatened.) I depreciate myself so that I'm no longer a threat and then give them control, but what sense does that make? I'm doing it so that they won't attack me. Why would I want to surround myself with people who might attack me if they feel threatened? That's just DUMB!

Cleaning out the friendship closet

So, I have this friend who is a b***h. She's manipulative and controlling and always wants me to be down with her at whatever level she's operating on. I have been separating myself from her but I always feel guilty for either leaving her stranded or feeding into her negativity. Every piece of advice she gives me results in me hurting myself or dwelling in the negative. We've been friends since high school so I guess it's natural to grow apart. I just don't understand why anyone would try to hold down another person. So, I guess that leaves me in denial about it. I think this may all have to do with my self-esteem. This is a bad habit that I need to break. Why do I keep telling myself that I don't deserve better? If God already forgave me, what do I care what she has to say? She's not bigger than God.

Praying for a man...

Okay, so now that I've released this emotional baggage, I feel that I'm at the start of an entirely new journey. I don't know how to love, but I know I need to learn. I'm ready to humble myself in that regard. I need to learn how to maintain a relationship. I know they're hard work. I've never cared to keep one going past 3 months, but now I see it as kind of essential---in my life at least. I haven't been ready until now. I'm not saying I want to get married to anyone; I want a good relationship. A good friendship. A good sex life. Love would be nice too, but I think I need to get the mechanics down first. I don't even know how to use pet names or soften when a guy calls. It's just all combat for me. I haven't wanted to let anyone in. I think my subconscious may have been aware that I was picking the wrong guys for commitment anyway. Ugh. I need help--Divine help. Relationships are a responsibility, an asset that must be protected, and if we're lucky, they can grow in interest.

Moving Along

So I'm still making progress and yesterday was monumental in creating a new life for myself. I turned in my application for grad school-early! At first, I had crazy writer's block, but I decided that I was going to overcome the procrastination with positive thoughts and prayer, and just go for it. I'm tired of letting life pass me by. I'm worth more. Today, I completed my FAFSA, and it wasn't bad at all. Why did my mother dread this so much when I was in undergrad? I realize that I need to sit my kids down and teach them to do things like this with a healthy attitude, instead of avoiding them. Thinking about it is worse than actually doing it. So anyway, I have to pray that the rest of my documentation comes in and that I get accepted. I miss school so much.

One Night Stand

Two days ago I had sex on the beach. Literally. That's right--under the beauty of the black sky and the hazy moon with the light of the planes and stars reflecting on the cool rushing water, I let him come inside of me. It was an accident. It had been so long, and he was kissing me in all the right places. I feel like a woman again.

I met him about a month ago, coming back from Philadelphia on the Amtrak train. He tried to approach me and I ignored him at first, but he ended up standing in front of me in line for the train. I apologized and we ended up sitting together. He gave me the most intense hand massage and stared into my eyes. He told me how attracted to me he was and let my hand fall on his hardening private area. I acted like I didn't feel anything and jerked my hand away in embarassment. He walked me to the subway station and hugged me so tight he lifted me off the ground and asked me for a kiss on the cheek. (Yeah right) Yes, there was a certain sexual chemistry there that I wanted to investigate a little further, but he never called, so I scrapped the idea.

It's too bad he later found my number in the pocket of his pants! Like I said, it had been a while and I wasn't feeling very prudish to say the least. Plus, I had just had a fight with my ex-boyfriend and was feeling a little turned off by the idea of sex with emotional involvement. This would be just the ticket. Semi-intimacy.

This experience was different. I made him slow down and appreciate my body, none of that furious pounding allowed. It was sooo "sweet" as he would call it. We did it about seven times. It felt so good to just focus on my body and not my mind while someone passionately kissed and bit the nape of my neck and squeezed me so tight it left bruises. Not kidding! (That reminds me, I need to go get ice for my hickeys.) I later showed him and he was like "I did that?!" I think he knew, but who cares? Then the spooning! Oh my goodness, he is so cuddly it's unbelievable. I think it's because of his weight. He's self-conscious about it, but I love it. He's a man and he loves to eat. I don't mind that at all.

My head is clear now. I'm not sure if I want to see him again...I don't want to ruin a good thing. But I know I want sex to be a part of my life again--in balance. I feel transformed--not nearly as uptight as I have been the past seven months. This can be good in moderation, and it's okay because I don't have feelings for this guy, but I've got to be careful.

The Devil is an A**

I hate him. Everytime I get close to having some happiness and fun, he has to come and pull the rug out from underneath me. I don't even get as close to the fun as I used to either. This guy, who I knew was a flake to begin with, just stood me up. Why did he arrange the date in the first place? It was last minute and I was a fool to accept. To make things worse, I started a fight with my ex-boyfriend over it (who I was trying to reconcile with-guess that's not going to happen now). I scared him and I think I hurt him a little. He told me he still loves me, but I don't even know if I believe that. I don't know what I believe about relationships anymore, about life... I'm still making the wrong choices though, and getting nowhere. I know I should just be patient, and the right gu will come when I'm ready. I'm clearly not ready at the moment. In fact, I'm feeling a little crazy.