Without Struggle..

there is no progress... Without struggle, there is no progress....Without struggle, there is no progress....I'm tired, and in pain, but I must overcome. I will not let this 'loser' steal my happiness. He can be miserable by himself. How can a colleague be sooo unprofessional, so hurtful, so selfish. Why don't I stop idealizing and just do what I need to do?

Creating Good Habits

All those years growing up...I wondered what allowed my Grandma to rise at the crack of dawn to clean, cook and go to her 10 hr a day job. How did she develop such steadfast routines? How did I wind up such a lazy bum. I've always felt that I'm the black sheep of my family when it comes to work ethic and daily routines. I wake up late. I hate cleaning, cooking and structure. For some reason, I have such a love/hate relationship with structure. I have seen firsthand the wonderful effects it can have on a person's productivity and sense purpose, but sometimes it seems so darn inefficient.

I've been looking around at various forums and websites that offer ideas and ways to set a new routine for the am and pm. I'm going to try to put one into action. I've already compiled a list of things I would like to tackle first:

1) Taking supplements
2) Meal preparation
3) Cleaning/ Interior decorating (me & fiancee's new apartment)
4) Exercise (ugh)
5) Reading
6) Writing

As you can see, I've already begun 6, but these items were in no particular order.

I'm soooo FrEAKing BORED!!!

I'm falling asleep at my internship and I'm ready to go home. I'm ready for Thanksgiving. I'm ready for Christmas. Where IS everybody? Maybe everyone is depressed? I miss the undergrad life. BIG TIME. I miss sleeping in and then heading to the quad or the caf to just do absolutely nothing. Or to exchange ideas with other bright, talented individuals. It's kind of sad that a lot of the people that I got really close to don't use today's social networking sites like Facebook and Myspace. Only the really obnoxious ones hang around desperate for attention. I miss my best homies that I drifted away from due to petty arguments, insecurities, etc. It's hard out here for a displaced twenty-something sometimes.

God help me

God, it feels so strange to type to you, but I need your help and if I write in my journal at work, it will be so very obvious. God, I need you to help me get "him" out of my life, my head, my memories, my heart. I don't even see the point. Why did it have to happen if he was going to leave me all alone? I am so hurt. My eyes are welling up with tears and I can't really talk to anyone about it. I feel like a failure. I've been rejected and discarded. I feel like what we had didn't mean nearly as much to him as it did to me--like I was alone in the whole thing. He still won't tell me, or himself, the truth about his feelings. I feel like I made a really bad decision and it's hard to own up to that and just take the "L". Part of me is so determined that in all my getting, I get understanding, so to speak. He wasn't as interested in that last night while we talked on the sidewalk at his job. He killed me. I'm dead. I'm confused. No one's ever puzzled me so much. I need to walk away. I have to walk away. Yet, he says the feelings will never go away. How's that for a curse? Just kidding. But, I really just want to stop the pain in my heart. Isn't there some kind of pill I can take for this? I told him I wished it never happened. He told me he didn't, because it was great. That's why I hate him. That's his form of torture, to talk about how great it was, but then to tell me he's dashing off to France with some girl he's seeing.

So anyway, God, where have you been? Are you in the Bahamas? Because if so, then that's where I need to be. Just tell me where you are and I'll come meet you. You aren't here. You aren't in New York. I hope to see you soon. I hope to hear from you soon. I need your protection, your strength...Oh heck, I need another man. Someone who'll really love me--wholeheartedly. I need a loving, reciprocal, relationship. Why are those so hard to come by these days?

I need a parachute because I'm falling. I need oxygen because I'm drowning.

How'd they know?

Virgo-February 24, 2008Research that you've been doing for a particular project may finally be completed, dear Virgo, and you're ready to start or complete your work. Your mind is especially sharp right now, so this is a good time to work on any kind of project involving communication. If you're a writer, prospects for publishing look good. Romance also should be going well. You may have just become aware of a strong psychic bond between you and your beloved. Make the most of it!

So...the above is my horoscope. Although it's for my rising sign, I found it a bit ironic and had to post. :)

Things I'm passionate about...

What could I write about with feverish abandonment?

• My crazy bosses-it's been done.
• My crazy ex-boyfriends-it's been done.
• My love for my students-it's been done.
• Teachers who suck and ruin people's lives-touchy subject, but I have the "platform".
• My own insecurities--YIKES!!!

None of these stories really seem interesting enough, or enticing enough to spend my brainpower on for years of time, except maybe the one about the rotten teacher.

I can't believe it's over...

By this, I mean the relationship with the guy, the relationship with my therapist, the good times with my boss, the good times with my guy's friend, the trust for my aunt...I've got to learn to let go. It was never really mine to lose. That's what I've got to understand sometimes is that it's not a loss, it's a reality check. It's hard when there's nothing to fill the void. I want love. I want joy, I wan't freedom. But they come when they feel like it. They operate on their own schedule and right now, they're too busy visiting someone else. That's fine. I'll make due. I still want what I want. I want what's good for me. I want J******. I felt so good in his arms. He really cared for me and I could feel the warmth oozing out of him. I could feel the peace we created around us. I could see our future. He was bigger than me. He was bigger than me, in many senses. Size, presence, spirit, popularity, kindness, charm...He was larger than me. He had the power (the ability) to eclipse me, but he only supported me. I want that. He told me I was a dream come true. I want that. Maybe I should consult a psychic. I am alone...for now...but happily...if it means I don't have to settle...I am finally getting it...I feel a twinge in my belly.