God, it feels so strange to type to you, but I need your help and if I write in my journal at work, it will be so very obvious. God, I need you to help me get "him" out of my life, my head, my memories, my heart. I don't even see the point. Why did it have to happen if he was going to leave me all alone? I am so hurt. My eyes are welling up with tears and I can't really talk to anyone about it. I feel like a failure. I've been rejected and discarded. I feel like what we had didn't mean nearly as much to him as it did to me--like I was alone in the whole thing. He still won't tell me, or himself, the truth about his feelings. I feel like I made a really bad decision and it's hard to own up to that and just take the "L". Part of me is so determined that in all my getting, I get understanding, so to speak. He wasn't as interested in that last night while we talked on the sidewalk at his job. He killed me. I'm dead. I'm confused. No one's ever puzzled me so much. I need to walk away. I have to walk away. Yet, he says the feelings will never go away. How's that for a curse? Just kidding. But, I really just want to stop the pain in my heart. Isn't there some kind of pill I can take for this? I told him I wished it never happened. He told me he didn't, because it was great. That's why I hate him. That's his form of torture, to talk about how great it was, but then to tell me he's dashing off to France with some girl he's seeing.
So anyway, God, where have you been? Are you in the Bahamas? Because if so, then that's where I need to be. Just tell me where you are and I'll come meet you. You aren't here. You aren't in New York. I hope to see you soon. I hope to hear from you soon. I need your protection, your strength...Oh heck, I need another man. Someone who'll really love me--wholeheartedly. I need a loving, reciprocal, relationship. Why are those so hard to come by these days?
I need a parachute because I'm falling. I need oxygen because I'm drowning.
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